Kick the Anthill

In an unsurprising turn of events, the White House announced today that a further series of bailouts to benefit the masses would be forthcoming.

“We’re just getting started.  The economy is so bad, everyone needs help.  Upcoming bailouts are definitely on the table,” remarks Press Secretary Dana Perino.

Plans obtained from White House staff members show that those who are projected to benefit from upcoming bailouts include: high movie ticket price payers, Express jeans owners, custom Mercedes Benz orderers, Yankee Candle vendors, Hallmark, PGA tournament ticket holders, iPhone owners, and arugula growers.  Demonstrating President Bush’s commitment to economic and racial diversity, other proposals also include bailout benefits for struggling Hollywood celebrities Dustin Diamond, Britney Spears, Wesley Snipes, and Michael Jackson.

Ruth Smith of Wichita, KS, had been considering the purchase of an iPhone but rushed to her nearest AT&T store when she heard the news.  She tells us, “We’re so excited.  We keep the tv on at all times so we won’t miss a press conference.”

“See how this is already stimulating the economy?” Perino says.  “The more bailouts we offer, the better things get.”

The Treasury Department has been instructed to keep the presses rolling around the clock.  Coins minted with the image of presidential candidate Barack Obama are expected to help ease the currency shortfall.  “It’s all hands on deck,” says Secretary Paulson.